i don't want this darkness

[zhopa]

When Ahl awoke, it was alone. The fire had dwindled to a skeleton of itself the scorched stones laying bare like skin. Marcus was nowhere to be found though the fact that he hadn't obscured his trail comforted her. He would come back. For what reason, she didn't know but it was best not to think about the mind of an Orphlegian. Or rather, it was best not to think of the mind of the Bull. She was still puzzled by his actions at the Nomadic camp. The hand he had placed on her shoulder. Idly, she touched the spot in vague remembrance and lived through her puzzlement again.

It was hard to say whether the two of them were bonding. Certainly it wouldn't be the word she would have used. Bonding insinuated they would be friends, they would understand each other and they were far from ever doing that. Still, they were getting closer. He had born witness to her moment of weakness. That meant something. Placed them on a level of understanding that she couldn't quite pinpoint and that was fine. An improvement in all senses of the word.

Mattias, on the other hand, was only in a decline. His absence from the fire worried Ahl more. Not for fear of his return but rather of his location. Of his stability.

Scrambling to her feet, Ahl stood. Like a faithful friend the sand held his trail and she followed it, winding and stumbling over and around the dunes in Waning's paling light. As she walked her mind fretted over the time of his departure, the length of his absence, the imagined scenario of his current location. Face down in the sand wouldn't have surprised her at this point. Not with how he'd been acting.

Luckily, the answer to one of her questions is answered by a trail left behind. Discarded sandals sinking down the side of a dune. She picked them up as she walked. For later.

Rounding the slope, she spotted him. His back was to her, head held to the sun in some meditative pose. In the dim light she could see the unmistakable swirling beneath his skin. The inky, idle movements of Nocta. It still disturbed her to watch.

"Mattias?" She called. His toes were curled into the sand, she noted. Curling and uncurling with every slow breath he took. The oddness of the act comforted her and false hope began to rise before she shoved it down. Ahl called out again, more nervously. "Mattias?"

It was easier to notice the changes from behind. Mattias had always been lanky but now he looked hallow. There was a fragility to his spine that slipped into his posture, weakening a once proud stance into something withered and exhausted. Her chest ached to see it and part of her wanted to turn away. She pushed on, creeping beside him and watching his face with concern.

"It'd be nice if you could respond to me." She said gently and with a kind, if feeble, smile. Mattias' eyes twitched in sorrow before he lowered his head with a sigh.

"Sorry," he muttered.

Relieved, Ahl smiled at the response, noting the scratchiness of his voice. The hollowness of his cheeks. Her throat tightened. "Here," she said, offering up the sandals. "Managed to rescue these." Mattias took them with hesitance and held them with reluctance, curling his toes in the sand.

"Thanks."

They stood in silence for a moment, watching the sky as if it were more interesting than it was. Mattias at least seemed to have some vested interest in it, watching the clouds drift past. Eventually it became clear that if anyone were to start a conversation, it would have to be her. Sighing, she turned her gaze from the clouds to the sand, watching it spill over itself.

"How long have you been out here?" Mattias shrugged in response.

"I wouldn't know." He rubbed his thumbs over the leather of his sandals. "I haven't been thinking about the time."

"Then what have you been thinking about?"

Silence. The rubbing stopped. His gaze fell to the sandals, the sand, to a rock outcropping in the distance. Toes curled again. "... The sand."

Ahl sighed in dismay, turning away from him with a twitch of a frown. "Well, there's a lot of it to think about." Too much, it was starting to seem lately.

"Not like that." He surprised her in the speed of his reply, curling his toes so hard he careens forward. For a moment, Ahl was half-afraid she'd have to catch him. "I've never taken the time to feel it before."

That explained the sandals. "What are you talking about?" She asked, laughing hesitantly. "We've spent months out here. You've had plenty of time to feel it."

"Not like that." Again, that response. Ahl frowned. Mattias seemed to catch it this time, glancing her way. With an exhale, his gaze became apologetic. "Sorry." He turned to his feet, curling toes again. "What I meant was I've always... walked on it. I've never," he shrugged. "I've never thought about it. Felt it. Does that make sense?"

Ahl nodded cautiously. "It's starting to." Mattias smiled, shoulders relaxing as he shakes his head in relief. A gentle start to relieving the tension between them. Hesitantly, Ahl smiled back, risking a step closer and bending over to remove her own sandals.

"You know," she said, "I don't think I've ever felt the sand, either."

Mattias, piqued, tilted his head and asked, "really?" Ahl shook her head, successfully undoing one sandal with slight tipping to the left. Much to her relief, Mattias caught her arm before she fell over, holding her for stabilization for the next foot.

"Nope. Just shoved into it." With a rougish smile she rid herself of the last shoe, plopping it before her with great relish. It landed thickly in the sand, sending more granules tumbling over themselves. Ahl watched with a small grin, proud of her minuscule landslide.

"Shoved into it?" Mattias asked, borderline appalled. The sheer shock in the statement was enough to make Ahl chuckle.

"Training. My father would take us to the desert to teach us. Let's just say Oren took a lot of joy in his victories." It was the wrong thing to say. Mattias' eyes dimmed though the smile still held, waning like the sun in it's honesty. Now it simply felt like a remnant of a different person.

He let go of her arm before Ahl could protest, apologize, do anything to make up for her mistake. Though he did his best to hide it, Mattias was an open book and it was no secret that the events in Renacht had plagued him and his captivity haunted his dreams. Ahl had awoken frequently in recent nights to Mattias' outbursts and had spent hours calming him down. She could only imagine what they had done to him. Starvation was a guarantee knowing her father. Based from the burns on his back, they had left him where the sun shown harshest, too. Possibly to draw out Nocta. Ahl wasn't sure. Mattias never wanted to talk about it.

"I'm sorry." The words startled her and she looked up, wide-eyed. Speechlessly she gawked until Mattias felt the need to clarify, voice growing smaller by the second. "For what's happened to you."

Realization snapped clear. Ahl verbally stumbled for a reply, touching Mattias' shoulder gently. "That wasn't your fault." The look he gave her was pitying.

"We both know it was."

This was wrong. This wasn't Mattias. This wasn't the excitable, overeager man she knew. The proud, passionate adult boy she had traveled with, protected all these months. That Mattias would never dwell. Would never apologize. That was her. All her.

Suddenly, somehow, their roles had switched.

The thought wreaked havoc in her mind. Sent her reeling in its inherent wrongness so, in order to stay stable, she shoved it to the side and slapped his arm lightly. It didn't earn a flinch; that worried her. Added to the list of questions and statements she wanted to say to him. Still, the most she could manage was a simple, accusatory question. "Is this what you've been thinking about out here?"

She thought about the Decay. How Marcus told her the personality crumbled with the body under the power of the god inside. It was hard to pinpoint if this was simple doubt or an actual effect of the sickness. With everything that had happened, she was tempted to believe it was the sickness. Better that than to think he was changing.

Sighing, she curls her toes into the warmth of the sand, feeling it give way, fold to her. "They would have done it with or without you."

Mattias frowned, folding his arms over his chest. "I didn't help." With a hiss through her teeth, Ahl shoved him hard enough to make him stumble. Startled, Mattias barely had time to catch himself, gawking at Ahl in distress. "What was that for?"

"For talking stupid! You're looking for excuses now. You want to be blamed!" She said sternly, jabbing a finger towards him as he climbed up the slope.

"If I wasn't there-"

"They wouldn't have happened?"

"-you wouldn't have had to do it." Ahl paused, pulling back wide-eyed. With a short exhale, Mattias stepped closer, placing a hand on her shoulder. Meeting her gaze, he bowed to her level. "I'm sorry." Ahl's expression didn't change. She still looked into his eyes searchingly, hoping for an explanation, an inclination that this was all a joke. This was the one subject she never asked to breach, the one idea she never hoped to consider. Even when confronted by it, she had to turn away.

"... You've been thinking about more than sand." Mattias laughed shortly, smile fading to something sadder. Slowly, his hands fell from her shoulders and he stepped back. Ahl watched as Nocta flicked about on his hand, a curl of a shadow underneath his skin.

"I guess I have."